browneyesopening's Blog

Sometimes there is a blank page in my mind and in my heart there is a stage
Waiting for someone to step on and fill the void
Waiting for god to right the wrongs to start the chords and sing the songs
Perhaps the day will never be when fulfilled I will be
Perhaps they will remain unsung , uncorked and turned down
Perhaps there is never going to me a time when justice lives for me
Time is supposed to heal all when the day comes and the battles won
Victory it seems has come its empty though still feels undone
Understanding comes at a price but now  there never was a fight
A life of battles he seems to live and mine it was with him short gived
Come back to what to nothing.. to that.. to it… to empty.. to be and then what?
Live a lie and  die alive, not living. breathing hell and living dead
So emptiness is the prize and loss and pain the trphy
The holes that remain reach down to a soul forgot devoid of life it lived once need to be revived
The battle won the court date comes the judge gives her stay 2 years in play
She saw the truth, she felt the lies  the love unrequited  fairness required
In the law there is no account for the train wreck you created in your life
 for the waste of breath , unwarranted worries and horrible memories
how can the law make up for that ? how can money make it just…  nope  not….
So Now…
It beats again it always has but I didn’t hear it there the light so faint so quiet not tainted small but its there   fill with love for slef  it can be treated my firend
reach out reach out and see that the prize won was me. Battered and bruised afraid but not dead broken yes damaged yes but somehow still perfect
Its perception my dear you cant hide from who you
You are that star? Dad said that once… angel he called me
 the others  be strangers across the world can see and validate they think your real.
They can reach in and they can feel the beauty that is you
So why don’t you see it too?
 
 

Time has healed so much that was broken
Pain that was once hidden  and love for me awoken
Perspective allows allowances to happen
Allowing what is and letting go of the need to map it
Super and overanalysing much
Keeps me confused  dizzy and out of touch
Who I am changes with every passing thought
Who you are is who I am not
Freedom and bondage are one in the same
Throw in the towel and win the game
Im looking back now and I like what I see
Im becoming who I am supposed to be
Someone told me “ there is love in your eyes”
How much power is there in goodbye
How much freedom and love and devotion
Letting go now  and allow the emotion
Accept it for what it is and feel safe in the tears
Forgive yourself now and let go of the fear
I ask you to be faithful to me, to open your eyes and finally see
You in me, me in you.  Its all meant to be
My experience of you and your experience of me
Time and space and love and difference
Torn open by pain and multiplied by distance
There is so much power in just letting go
Yet there is no one  around for me to show
To validate and ponder  questions,  answered by silence
To let go and embrace the perfection of allowance
 

You said you loved me  You did not.
This time this life the illusions .. shot
The pain wide open for all to see. Everyone sees
 But mostly not me
How did I stay in such complete withdrawal
denial of pain so obviously open
How did I live like that starving for affection attention
without the words strategies coping
Gaining so much weight and hiding my heart more
Begging for someone to just try to open the door.
To peek and ask are you ok
stand with strength looking me in the eyes
when I say.. no not today
To listen to me without telling me to shut up to dumb it down or to make the words shorter
To get to the point you don’t care  to talk to me
talk and then maybe you would have found out
But sit on things till all we do is scream and shout
So alone in this wasteland of a life 
Beaten broken and sharded  is this version of wife

I was reading some of the things I wrote in here. Im thinking so much about my progress within the past two years and really I have done better than I possibly could have imagined to. I went to a healing circle last night. There was a woman who had just gotten separated. She was where I was when I first left him and my home.The tears right there, teardrops falling like an overfilled water bottle with a puncture spilling at inopportune times, the triggers,the uncontrollable urge to talk incessantly telling the story to anyone who would listen. The humiliation you feel after,  the anger and guilt the incredible overriding.  I told her to be proud, be proud of who you are and your decisions.. Am I proud. .. YES !!! I have been dragged through hell, I picked myself up, looked Satan in the face and told him he could fuck off. He fought and fought, tried to put me in jail, tried to have me committed, tried to disprove me as a mother, tried to give me a stroke, threw me against a wall and punched me when I was pregnant..Dropped me off at the hospital door like I was garbage having to walk around the hospital in labour pains because the door was locked that Sunday, he attacked my reputation, my integrity he spit on me. Every week, it was something new..  and yet here I am intact. I got my divorce which he contested as well. Nothing without a fight. Contastantly fighting trying to get me to back down.
I won the war.. I will always win the war. No one is a winner in these situations, but... I am me. I won me back I found me in that poor lost woman that weighed so much.  She held everything in covered it all up, played the facade with skill. She was so lost and sad. She hated herself so much she lived a waking death. I rescused her, I found her in a shelter, she became a fighter then she was broken but not dead.  I lost 100 lbs.  I am attending courses to be a teacher, which was always my dream. Im going to be re-certifying as a hypnotist so I can start practising that soon too. I have 2 amazing well adjusted children who are happy and loving. I organize a support group for women who have experienced what I have. I am giving stregnth to strangers, I have grown spiritually at an incredible pace. I have friends and family that love me. Im not working and there are some financial issues but pride cant feed my children. I realize this , and so in the meantime I have to accept help from places I dont want to. but its ok. still. I walk with my head high still. I cant judge myself so harshly, yes I do I hold myself to a really tall yardstick but I will survive, I will succeed and I will do it with grace..  I used to think I was weak. I am strong. I am the strongest women I know. yes I cry, yes Im sad sometimes, yes im afraid of men still. But the things I face and blink at, some days would drop people to thier knees in a heartbeat. I am proud of me, I have come so far in such a short time. I have even forgiven that man. I forgive him and I bless him, I wish him the best because without him and without that experience I would not be the awesome woman I am now.

Today is my sons 2nd birthday. We share custody of him on this day. He is so awesome !! I look back at the day I had him.  The fighting with his father, I had begged him to take us out for dinner that day because I was in too much pain to cook.  I couldnt stand for long Gabby was in place for about a week before I had him it was really painful to walk. He was early too He was supposed to be born Aug 29th.. thank God though. I was also really sick of taking insulin because I had gestational diabetes. Also there was the torture of his abusive father.. Those were some emotionally hard days. I look back now and wonder how I got through it, I was on suicide watch and blood pressure and  wow.... I long to have had a pregnancy where my husband was supportive, compassionate and affectionate, and loving. where i didnt have to go through everything on my own, or at least have someone there that would at least fake that he liked me.. I had to tell him to thank me for having gabby. but you know what its all good. Gabriel is the most awesome little boy. Hes incredible and I would do it all over again even in the same way.. I got my divorce.. but. My ex has lost his job.. sigh... again... and I am taking up the slack.. again..  I suppose that is what pensions are for? sigh.. well it could be so much worse and I am thankfull for all I have. so so so very thankful. I have awesome healthy children, a mom that loves me and helps, although she drives me up the wall but the love is what comes through... Although my little family has seen financially better days.. I manage,, better than most and you know what Im happy !!! sure i kinda miss having a romantic partner and someone to share with but.. Man I have come through a lot. And well and sane too. hmmm  yeahh pretty sane :) . We're doing a little cake thing for gabby tomorrow. I bought him one of those pull apart cupcke things. and it kind of . ummm came apart in the car.. It was hot today.. 29c,  of course I left it on the seat in the back of the van.. i am sometimes brilliant this way.. well my cousin trish is the cake queen and she is supposedly coming by tomorrow. either way it will taste great.. it will end up on my carpet anyway:)  because Mr Gabriel only eats the icing..  You know what God thanks.. thanks for everything I love it all every precious second. I am so in awe of these children. and I am so thankful for this precious time with them. I am the richest woman alive. So this year.. there are tears of happiness in my eyes.